Insomnia.

Dear Blog,

Did you know that insomnia can cause depression?  Did you know you could function in society not knowing that you even had either of these conditions?  Apparently you can.

It’s been awhile.

In a few days, I will be trading in the sights of Chapel Hill:

For the sights of Omaha:

(I’m pretty sure that picture is copyrighted, but anybody who lives in Omaha or has visited has probably taken the exact same picture. I know I have.)

I am excited to visit home, to eat at some restaurants that I’ve missed (I’m talking about you, La Buvette), and see old friends.  I am also a bit nervous.  It’s been three years since we visited, and I know the city has changed a lot since we’ve been.  Will it feel totally normal driving around?  Will it feel like we’ve been gone three years?  Will it feel like home or more like an acquaintance?  I am starting to think that we didn’t schedule ourselves enough time. There are a lot of things I want do do, a lot of people I want to see.  I really hope I get to do everything I want, but it’s likely I will miss out on a few things.

***

In other news: I recently turned 30.  Woo!!  Not really.  Or sort of.  I am not quite sure what to think of my 30’s yet, to be honest.  So far, it’s almost like I feel 20 again, except with more experience this time around.  The other day, I found myself in a coffee shop with a notebook and a stack of books.  I had mistakenly left my phone at home, and did not bring my laptop with me.  So in that regard, it really did feel like ten years ago, when not everyone had cell phones yet, and many people went to coffee houses to read/write/hang out, instead of using them as their offices.  So the other day, I had my books, some of them I had read for the first time in my early 20’s, and as I skimmed through them with my 30-year-old brain, I understood the words in a new light.  I had been lamenting over my loss of that sense of discovery I had when I was 20, when everything was new, when I had no money, and very few possessions.  Everything I owned could fit into my 1990 Geo Prism hatchback.

(That is not my specific car, but mine was also red and basically looked just like that one, except with more rust.)

Basically, I am looking to simplify my life where I can.  In the past, I’ve always become too idealistic about my abilities to simplify my life, trying with all my willpower to get my life under control, to more or less be the perfect example of a human being.  However, now all I really want is to start looking around a bit more at my life, and start deciding what is important.  I want to focus less on what I “should” be doing, and more what I truly want to be doing.  You know, the things you dream about doing on the days that you really don’t want to be at work.  Most people don’t think “I wish I wasn’t at work right now, so that I could go home and waste five hours on Facebook.”  No, instead we think things like, “I wish I wasn’t at work right now because I’d like to get to the farmer’s market, read a book, or maybe just go see a movie by myself.”  I guess I just want more moments.  Moments similar to those I had ten years ago, when even though I was working 55-hours a week to save up for moving to North Carolina (the first time), I was still so inspired that I would write on my lunch breaks, I would spend my little free time at coffee shops and hanging out with friends, and I would really look at the world around me, amazed.

I want to really see again.

Can I just say…

I love my husband.

Sunday mornings.

Lately, I have felt inspired more to share, but I have a hard time knowing what to write about. I’ve been wanting to catch those beautiful but maybe mundane moments.  My beautifully mundane moment this morning was making my french press coffee.  It’s something I’ve done so many times that I don’t even have to think about it, but maybe it was just something about the light in my dirty kitchen that made this morning’s coffee extra special.  Even the coffee itself tastes better than usual. 

I remember back when Doug and I were living in Omaha and had probably been married less than a year, we spent a Sunday morning meandering around downtown.  We basically lived on the outskirts of downtown, so it was nothing to walk outside our apartment’s courtyard and head down Harney St.  That morning we walked over to Dixie Quiks for a delicious breakfast and then proceeded to walk all over downtown.  And not the normal parts like the Old Market, but back in that weird area near The Flatiron building, and then down around some office buildings and I’m sure we finally made our way to the more normal areas of downtown.  The point is that it made for an out of the ordinary Sunday morning experience.  It was kind of deserted and not many people were out, so we almost felt like we had the city to ourselves.  

All this makes me realize that it is so interesting to be from somewhere where you do not currently live.  When you grow up somewhere, or come to identify a place as “home”, the glasses just get rosier and rosier the longer I’m away.  Because now I would like nothing more than to be in Omaha right now, walking around downtown, seeing those familiar faces of people who will never leave.  I’ll have my chance this summer, when we’ll be heading back for the first time in three years.  It’s hard to believe, really.  

For me, a good Sunday morning is discovering something new about something that has been there all along, whether it be a street corner in a town you’ve lived your whole life, or something like making coffee.

customer service

For all the crap I talk about being in retail and dealing with awful customers, let’s take a minute to talk about the brighter side of retail.  (Also let’s keep in mind that I may or may not have had a couple glasses of wine before writing this post.)

I’d say that at least 75% of people who are employed have a desire to put forth a decent effort at their job. This makes us feel like what we do has some worth, and it gives us some of that much talked about “job satisfaction.” I am no different. While my job might not matter in the grand scheme of things, people come to me inquiring about something they need for a recipe or that they read about in the New York Times or that doesn’t interfere with some allergy.  When I can help them achieve this, I am happy.  When I can’t, not only are they upset, but I do feel like I have let them down, even when I know it wasn’t my fault.  

Yesterday at work I had a woman asking me for raw cacao powder.  We searched high and low and the best we could find was raw cacao nibs, which theoretically could be turned to powder in a spice mill or coffee grinder.  However, while her quest wasn’t exactly met, we did have a lovely chat about raw food diets and other things, and she was impressed that although I am not a vegetarian or raw foodist, that I knew about her lifestyle.  After our interaction in the baking aisle, I went back to my department.  

A few minutes later, she finds me at the charcuterie counter and holds up the item she was looking for, which the whole time had been about twenty feet from where I was.  I immediately knew where she had found it, and felt kind of stupid that I hadn’t the sense to look where she did.  But on the other hand, although I get paid to help people find the things they need/want/don’t know they ever wanted, sometimes it’s the customers themselves who end up showing me the way.

I also recently had a lady who was so thrilled when I was able to identify the mysterious “American version of Manchego” cheese she was looking for (Gran Queso).  We then had a totally unrelated conversation about Hawaii.  She left the department, and as I went to clock out for the day, she found me even though I already had on my coat and led me by the arm to the produce department where they were sampling white pineapple (from Ghana of all places) and made me eat a bite.  She went on and on about how she’s from Hawaii and she’s still never tasted a pineapple like that.  And wouldn’t you know it, it really was the best damn pineapple I’ve ever had.  So good I had to buy one.  

So: Dear Customers: Although you often drive me bonkers and I firmly believe you leave your brains in the parking lot before you enter the store, some of you are pretty cool and gracious.  Even though interacting with customers day in and day out can be pretty mentally draining for me, there are a few who continue to restore my hope that humanity is not a lost cause.  These people have either, 1: worked in retail at some point in their lives, or 2: had decent parents who taught them how to treat people with respect.  

Okay, this spur-of-the-moment-right-before-bedtime post has come to an end.  Goodnight!

space invaders

I care a lot about personal space.  A lot.  Too much.  I obsess about it.  I give people dirty looks at the grocery store.  If you are too close to me for no reason, I will usually make it very obvious while I remove myself from the area that yes, you are too close to me and that is why I am moving.

But. I will not actually speak up.  I won’t say anything.  I am unable to open my mouth and say something simple like, “excuse me, but would you mind backing up just a bit?”

The questions are: If I actually start to speak up and clue people in that they are a space invader, will they get mad at me?  Will they move?  Won’t I feel worse after the confrontation than before it?  If I start to make a habit of it, will it get easier?  Am I content with the fact that I will probably never be able to visit India??? (fine by me: don’t like Indian food. Blasphemy!)

I know there are some people who either have no “bubble” or people who are simply rude and want to either get in front of you, or crowd you so that you will move.  Heck, I am certainly guilty of being tailgater.  But that’s in a car.  I’m talking about the people who could have stood anywhere in the not-crowded bar last night but still chose to stand directly in front of me and my husband while were talking. (I caught the eye of one of them, and gave him an exasperated look.)  I’m talking about the person who stands so close behind me at the grocery store.  In fact, let’s just put it out there: I don’t like lines.  It usually has nothing to do with how long they are.  In fact, most cashiers know how to move a line quickly: if a line is moving slowly it’s usually the fault of the customer, 95% of the time.  (And if not, it’s because you’re at T.J. Maxx where they only put a UPC tag on 43.9% of their items.)  I don’t like lines because no matter what line you’re in, everybody thinks that moving closer to the person in front of them will move the line faster.  It won’t.  Stop doing it.  (Again, these rules do not apply to driving.)

Moving on.  Please reply and tell me whether or not it is in my best interest to start speaking up and letting people know they are invading my space.  Otherwise, don’t be surprised if you are told by the brunette in front of you, “dude, give me some room, will ya?”

A short history of annoyance.

Sometime in high school, I recall making two lists.  An “I Like” and an “I Don’t Like” list.  The “I Don’t Like” list was much, much longer.  “I don’t like cold butter” was on the list.  Because seriously? What is more annoying than going to butter a piece of bread with some cold piece of butter, and all you do is mangle your bread with some big clump of butter dug into the upper left corner while the rest of the piece remains sad and lonely.  

A large percentage of my day is spent sighing in reply to my constant annoyance.  I mean, really, don’t all these other human beings understand that I, Liz, understand the one true and correct way to conduct themselves in public?  Don’t they understand I have major space issues, and I don’t appreciate them walking so close to me when they have plenty of other room to get from point A to B?  

The question is: have I always been so annoyed?  I think yes, but what I am realizing is that it tends to deal mostly with how people interfere with my perception of space and my place in it.  I really don’t understand why people don’t look where they are going.  I don’t understand why people don’t just GO at the green light, but I would like to think it’s because they’ve always wanted to know what a 1992 Honda Accord’s horn sounds like.  I also feel sorry for the next person who crowds me in line at the grocery store because I’ve decided that I am going to start confronting these public space invaders.  I should have done this to a guy at the store yesterday who stood maybe 1.3 inches behind me.  I wanted to head-butt him, Zidane style.  (That’s a soccer reference to the one time I watched a game, and it happened to be the World Cup.)  I think the aggression comes from growing up with brothers. 

But it’s not just my spacial issues.  In fact, I’ve been reading a lot lately about Sensory Processing Disorder.  Pretty much I am always, to some extent, in “fight or flight” mode with regard to what I take in through my senses.  I absolutely do not tolerate whistling, any kind of high pitched noises, such as squeaky shopping carts, which unfortunately are a part of my life since I work in a grocery store.  One time a customer had such a squeaky cart that I went and got her a non-squeaky one and personally transferred all of her groceries from one cart to the other.  She was sympathetic but replied, “I have three kids, I just don’t notice these things.”  To which I said, “well, I don’t have kids, so I do.”  However, I don’t think it has anything to do with kids.  In fact, I remember riding on a bus full of about twelve thousand nine-year-olds (okay maybe thirty) for six hours as a camp counselor, and my ears were literally ringing after that bus ride.  

Okay okay, the point. (Is there one?) Back to the whole Sensory Processing Disorder.  You can look it up for yourself, but pretty much I have an “adverse reaction to what most people consider harmless sensations” says author Sharon Heller of “Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight.”  I am annoyed. By everything. Or so it seems.  It explains why I often feel like the world is out to get me, why I am a literal people magnet.  It also explains why I had to go to Rite-Aid to get ear plugs on my lunch break today because so many customers had squeaky carts, and for some reason everyone was whistling today, and I had to buy ear plugs in order to make it through the rest of the day without breaking into tears or throwing up.  Because I felt like doing both.  I wish I was kidding.

just sitting here.

I’ve really wanted to blog lately, but haven’t felt exactly pulled into any particular topic.  This might just have to be an end-of-the-year kind of tie up loose ends sort of post today.

The first thing that comes to mind is that for probably the first time since oh, first grade, I got straight A’s.  I honestly wasn’t sure how the semester was going to turn out.  I figured it would be the usual smattering of A’s and B’s, and honestly thought I could end up with all B’s, which is not ideal, but it was a tough semester, so I was mentally ready to accept it.  But last Saturday I had the thought to see if my grades were posted yet, and they were, and so off we were to the wine bar where I happily ordered a $12 glass of bordeaux and celebrated my superior intelligence.  Or luck.  Or thankfulness for online classes which have open-book, open-notes tests.  Or being glad I am done with my science courses. Let’s just be honest here, which is that I will find just about any excuse to reward myself with a glass of wine.

Which brings me to my next point is that I suppose I am finally joining the masses when I say that I do have some health and fitness goals for 2010.  I usually stay away from making any major resolutions for any given year, what with my record for not accomplishing goals.  However, a change has been looming for awhile, and it happens to coincide with the beginning of the year.  All I want is to lose ten pounds.  That’s it.  Just think of all the things in my wardrobe I could fit again!  Wedding dress included.  Also, I turn 30 this year, and by golly I want to look hot at 30.  

Next thought: So Christmas happened.  Mine was pretty boring.  I worked really hard right up until 4 p.m. on Christmas Eve, and basically crashed out on Christmas Day, and the two days following.  We didn’t decorate or even give each other gifts.  I did cook a nice dinner though, which was the only sign that some kind of holiday was happening, but other than that, a pretty low-key Christmas here.  Next year I think I’d like to do things a little differently, like maybe actually traveling to see family, or at least putting a wreath over the fireplace or something.  Best thing about Christmas was breakfast, which was a spinach and cheese strata.  It was delicious. 

Other than that, I’m just spending some time decompressing from last semester and the craziness at work.  I’m taking some time off work next week if all goes according to plan, and am excited to spend a couple of days off with Doug, and also to get a few things done around the apartment if I can quit procrastinating already!  Kitchen cupboards, back bedroom, entry-way closet, etc.  

Well, that’s all I have.  Hope everyone has a great new year!

Low on the traits.

I am in my third semester at community college and am currently taking an Intro to Psychology course.  We just finished the chapter on personality, and I was quite excited to be studying this particular subject.  I absolutely love studying personality, and will take just about any personality test you throw at me.  In this chapter, I discovered a few new personality tests, one of which I was able to take for free online.  Of course, I took it.  

It’s called the NEO-PI-R test.  A very boring name, a very long test.  

Now, the this test relates to “the five big factors” or, you can remember the acronym of OCEAN: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism.  I took the test.  I answered the questions as honestly as I possibly could, and I quickly saw where the test was going.  I just knew that I would score “low” in just about everything.  I was “low on the traits” in 4 out of 5 of the factors.  Can you guess what area I scored high?

That’s right, folks: neuroticism!!  Let me share with you some of the goodies from the results.

“Low scorers on Friendliness are not necessarily cold and hostile, but they do not reach out to others and are perceived as distant and reserved. Your level of friendliness is low.”  Shocking!!

“Gregariousness. Gregarious people find the company of others pleasantly stimulating and rewarding. They enjoy the excitement of crowds. Low scorers tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. They do not necessarily dislike being with people sometimes, but their need for privacy and time to themselves is much greater than for individuals who score high on this scale. Your level of gregariousness is low.”  Amazing, really.

Those were two of the six domains of Extraversion.  Let’s move onto Agreeableness.

Morality. High scorers on this scale see no need for pretense or manipulation when dealing with others and are therefore candid, frank, and sincere. Low scorers believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. People find it relatively easy to relate to the straightforward high-scorers on this scale. They generally find it more difficult to relate to the unstraightforward low-scorers on this scale. It should be made clear that low scorers are not unprincipled or immoral; they are simply more guarded and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth. Your level of morality is low.”  Yes!  I’m not imorral!  Or am I?

“Sympathy. People who score high on this scale are tenderhearted and compassionate. They feel the pain of others vicariously and are easily moved to pity. Low scorers are not affected strongly by human suffering. They pride themselves on making objective judgments based on reason. They are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy. Your level of tender-mindedness is low.”  This must be why I don’t really miss my TV.  And why I’ve never donated blood again after that time I donated after Hurricane Katrina (because I fainted b/c I didn’t didn’t eat breakfast or you know, drink any water/liquids before donating).

Shall we continue? Let’s move on to Conscientiousness. (Congrats if you’re even still reading!)

“Orderliness. Persons with high scores on orderliness are well-organized. They like to live according to routines and schedules. They keep lists and make plans. Low scorers tend to be disorganized and scattered. Your level of orderliness is low.”  Have you SEEN my desk?

“Self-Efficacy. Self-Efficacy describes confidence in one’s ability to accomplish things. High scorers believe they have the intelligence (common sense), drive, and self-control necessary for achieving success. Low scorers do not feel effective, and may have a sense that they are not in control of their lives. Your level of self-efficacy is low.”  I feel like it wouldn’t take much for me to be at least average in this area, but dangit if I’m not the laziest person I know!

Okay, let’s move on to Openness.

“Imagination. To imaginative individuals, the real world is often too plain and ordinary. High scorers on this scale use fantasy as a way of creating a richer, more interesting world. Low scorers are on this scale are more oriented to facts than fantasy. Your level of imagination is low.”  You may ask my husband about this particular trait.

“Artistic Interests. High scorers on this scale love beauty, both in art and in nature. They become easily involved and absorbed in artistic and natural events. They are not necessarily artistically trained nor talented, although many will be. The defining features of this scale are interest in, and appreciation of natural and artificial beauty. Low scorers lack aesthetic sensitivity and interest in the arts. Your level of artistic interests is average.”  Average!  You mean I at least have a *little* bit of artistic interest?  I say this explains why my apartment can be cute (when it’s not messy).

Now…to the area that i’m “high on the traits”: Neuroticism!

“Immoderation. Immoderate individuals feel strong cravings and urges that they have difficulty resisting. They tend to be oriented toward short-term pleasures and rewards rather than long- term consequences. Low scorers do not experience strong, irresistible cravings and consequently do not find themselves tempted to overindulge. Your level of immoderation is high.”  This explains my late night cookies and vodka habit.

Please read carefully the following and final contribution:

“Anger. Persons who score high in Anger feel enraged when things do not go their way. They are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter when they feel they are being cheated. This scale measures the tendency to feel angry; whether or not the person expresses annoyance and hostility depends on the individual’s level on Agreeableness. Low scorers do not get angry often or easily. Your level of anger is high.” I would just like to say that I feel angry more often than I express it.  Or should I say, I feel angry more often than I express it to the face of the human being I am angry with.  So I’m angry, but I’m an angry wuss.  Is it possible to be as frustrated and upset as I am without actually losing my temper in public?  Apparently so, but for your sake, I hope you are not there when Liz finally loses it. 

So…basically I have a horrible personality.  Now…I realize this doesn’t tell the whole story.  In general I can get along with most people in most situations.  I can work well with people.  I can deal well with customers.  But overall, if I had to admit it, I don’t really care about most people.  I just want to hang out by myself most of the time.  I want to get my groceries without the small talk.  I want the cashier at T.J. Maxx to press the buttons already so my debit card will process and I can go.

Just being honest here.  I go against my own wishes and desires all the time.  Sometimes I’m talkative with the cashier even when I don’t feel like talking.  Sometimes I just chill the heck out in traffic.  But now that I know I have a bad personality…what next?  I know there are some areas I could make changes in fairly easily, and some areas that will be more…challenging.  

Anyway…I am not sure what my goal was in sharing this, other than my realization that I’m “low on the traits.”  Oh, except that I’m a neurotic.

Quiet

Am I getting old?

I ask, because the more I think about it, the more the idea of living somewhere out in the country, somewhere away from everything, or at least most things, is starting to sound like a good idea.  You see, I am just so done never knowing when the apartment complex next to mine is going to send out their maintenance men with leaf-blowers.  I am tired of all the random construction taking place on my building, or one nearby.  I am sick of all the loud delivery trucks that bang up the street behind my apartment while I try to study for class.  And I am tired of having to shut my patio door because the guy at the apartment building across from mine insists on constantly playing (if that’s what you want to call it)  his guitar outside on his deck.

I’m starting to need some….peace and quiet.  There.  I said it.  I don’t want my thoughts to have to compete with so much noise anymore.