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Archive for May, 2009

bad blogger

Something about working two part time jobs and going to school full time and trying to maintain a normal life is..is..well…it’s not as hard as it sounds.  Since this semester began and people caught wind that I’m working + going to school + married, I hear a lot of, “man, that must be so hard!” and “do you think you’re trying to do too much?” and so on.  The answer is, yes and no.  It’s easy to reflect now that my last day of the semester is coming up shortly.  It has been a very difficult semester, but not for the reasons most people would think.  For one, people underestimate my capacity for time wastage.  For two, overall, I’m a horrible student: I don’t do my homework, I don’t read chapters until the weekend before the test, I don’t do the online portions of my classes until the last possible moment, etc.  I could have easily had all A’s this semester, but probably I will have a mix of A’s and B’s.  And I am okay with that.  Sort of.  I live a life like many others I am sure:  I know I am capable of much more than I actually try to achieve.  I know I could be a really fantastic student and actually learn some things, but as much as I am glad to be in school…it doesn’t really have me yet.  I wish I was like some who could keep that future goal ahead of me at all times.  Maybe it would make me stop skipping classes.  However, maybe it’s because I still don’t really have that big goal yet?  I feel so without purpose, but not in a depressing way.  I wonder if maybe I’m okay with my small achievements, like successfully making a pie crust, or still being attractive to my husband.  

(This is a rambly one, I know.)

Back to the school issue.  I think the issue is that there are things in life that I’ve basically taken for granted and probably not appreciated.  One is that I’ve always been relatively smart.  The other is that I’ve always been fairly thin.  Well, I fear that’s changing now, but considering how I eat, it could be a lot worse I suppose.  Anyway…I guess it’s just hard to stay motivated with school when I still don’t have a big goal at the end of it.  Sure, I want a degree, and maybe even to get my masters.  There are certainly things I know I could do well, and would probably even enjoy doing.  I think I’d like to teach.  Specifically, I think I’d like to teach people English.  Not English as in a class you take in high school, but English as a real spoken language to be learned.  I suppose that translates into ESL or something, and may possibly place me in a school setting.  I am currently tutoring a 7-year old girl from Thailand who’s only been living in the U.S. for a little over a year and already speaks fluently.  Not perfectly, no, but still an amazing accomplishment for just a year.  It makes me realize how quickly children learn.  It’s been great to teach her reading and math and in just a few weeks to see her improve in certain things.  

Anyway…while I might not have a big purpose that I’ve felt in my bones since I was a kid, I do think that it will come to me, and someday I’ll be in the middle of doing something really fulfilling and realize that I found some purpose.  I hope this crazy college degree I’m after leads me nearer to it, even if I’m having a hard time staying motivated.

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